I'm the Only Sane One
by Scorpio's-Assassin
Summary: Sasori claims that he is the only sane one of all the Akatsuki. Hmm... Let's see, shall we? P.S. Don't tell Sasori about this story if you want me to live. Rated T for sparkles, cookies, sugar highs, Jashinism, unicorns, puppets, mildly suggestive themes, Hidan's language, and cray cray! By request of The Kazekage of Suna.
1. Point Proven?

**1 November **

Today I have decided to keep this diary. It shall be a documentation of the ridiculous behavior of the Akatsuki, and serve to prove that I am the only sane one.

Oh really un? Or is the Emotionless Akasuna no Sasori having a hard time? Aww…  
**-Deidara**

Deidara stop acting like an immature 5-year-old.  
**-Sasori**

* * *

** 2 November**

Deidara is being tormented by Tobi. The brat had woken up late and was eating breakfast when Tobi jumped up and started asking Deidara questions about his… sexuality…

TOBI I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH SASORI NO DANNA UN!  
**-A PISSED DEIDARA**

Deidara-sempai… Sasori-sempai…  
**-A very scared Tobi**

Tobi… I give you five seconds. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.  
**-Sasori**

AHHH!  
**-TOBI!**

* * *

** 3 November**

After giving Tobi a very deserving punishment, Konan has punished us for wreaking havoc in the kitchen. Now, we have to clean it up. It was a very tiresome and irritating process, especially with an annoying prick blabbering about how art is ephemeral. For the last time Deidara:

ART IS ETERNAL.

However, it was made much more interesting by finding Hidan's arm in the refrigerator.

Damn. I owe Itachi five bucks.  
**-Kakuzu**

* * *

** 4 November**

It appears that today is the Akatsuki-proclaimed Agreement Making Day. Zetsu has called for an agreement on the rights of plants. Kisame is garnering support on the rights of sharks. Leader-sama says that we can't have two agreements, and the two are currently battling it out chained to the wall (just in case).

I personally think that we should support the rights of scorpions.

Sasori, agreement accepted. We shall now not eat, step on, or kill scorpions in any way. Food shall be placed for them outside the base.  
**-Pein who is sick of Kisame's and Zetsu's bickering**

Thank you Leader-sama.  
**-Sasori**

SASORI! SCORPIONS HAVE NO RIGHTS YOU IDIOT!  
**-Kisame**

Damn y**ou can't be eaten! Stupid wooden Pinocchio!  
****-Zetsu**

* * *

**5 November**

Orochimaru has somehow managed to get into the base. I am seriously contemplating on capturing and dissecting one of his many snakes to discover how he manages to teleport like Zetsu.

Anyway, as soon as he got in, he started to wave his arms around and sing the Barbie tune.

Everybody looked up and saw that he was in a frilly pink bikini.

All of the Akatsuki fell down to the floor covering their eyes and clutching their ears.

I thankfully got into Hiruko.

He must be high on sugar again.

* * *

**5 November**

This is what it is like in a living room with all the Akatsuki.

Hidan is cursing at Kakuzu while sacrificing a squirrel.

Kakuzu is ignoring Hidan while counting his money.

Zetsu is sitting in the corner talking to a dead leaf.

Kisame is looking at his polished bronze mirror with carvings of mermaids brooding over his appearance.

Pein is redoing his piercings while Konan is cooking.

Itachi is painting his nails.

Deidara is glaring at Itachi while activating his periscope.

Tobi is creeping up on Deidara and giggli-

* * *

**6 November**

This is why the diary entry yesterday was disrupted.

Tobi poked Deidara. Flat in the chest.

Deidara then made a very girlish squeal and proceeded to raise his hands and Katsu all the hidden explosives in the base.

All hell broke loose.

The gas stove burst into flames and set Konan on fire.

Leader-sama rushed to save Konan.

Deidara screamed again and rushed after Tobi, sending clay spiders after him.

Tobi ran into Zetsu, who clamped up his Venus-flytrap-like head and, in the process, chomped up half of Hidan's arm.

Hidan cursed expletives that are too vulgar to mention and swung his staff around wildly, hitting Kakuzu.

Kakuzu growled at this interruption of this reading of his inappropriate books and shot earth spikes at Hidan, one almost missing Kisame, making him drop his mirror.

Kisame wailed loudly, both to the fact that his family heirloom mirror was shattered and that he pricked his finger.

Itachi looked at Kisame wailing and then at the whole room. His sharingan started spinning.

Everybody froze.

After a long stare, he returned to painting his nails calmly. Like nothing had happened.

Everybody looked at each other, and at the mess that they had caused.

The Akatsuki all (blushed?) and started cleaning up.

I should seriously consider making Itachi into a puppet.

* * *

**7 November**

Today is the eve of my birthday. Even though I am a puppet, which makes poisoning ineffective, but I am still preparing my poisons, antidotes and tranquilizers. I have a bad feeling about tomorrow… Last year the Akatsuki… I shall not talk about it.

Sasori no Danna… You have been warned un…  
**-Deidara**

* * *

**Stolen from Sasori's diary! I do not own anything.**


	2. Terms and Conditions Apply

**Ugh I only have fifteen minutes to copy this before Sasori comes back... Read and review!**

* * *

**8 November **

It is even worse than last year. Last year, the Akatsuki started drinking whisky. This year…

It appears that Harashima Senju has a sweet tooth.

There was a shack, or candy shop, in Konoha Forest, filled to the brim with… cookies.

Tobi is currently riding a unicorn.

Unfortunately, Itachi has somehow managed to inject himself with Essence of A Thousand Dangos.

Kakuzu is planning to sell the video videotaped by my old video camera.

Here are the keywords: (just in case)

# **Uchiha Itachi**

# **waving hands around and dancing**

# **singing Pop Goes the Weasel**

**-Kakuzu **

Terms and conditions apply. I am not liable for any mental scars that come with you embarrassing Uchiha Itachi.

**-Sasori**

* * *

** 9 November**

Kakuzu has video-taped Zetsu singing a love song to a rose. And he cried when Hidan _accidentally_ stepped on it. And it blew up.

Hehe…

#**Plant man crying**

#**Jashinist running away from plant man waving arms around**

#**Bomber sniggering**

**-Kakuzu**

Terms and conditions apply. I am not liable for any missing limbs that come with you breaking Zetsu's non-existent heart.

**-Sasori**

* * *

**10 November **

I am very lucky to not have been at the dinner table today. It was suspicious enough that Kakuzu was cooking, and stew at that. However, even the brat said that the aroma was delicious.

It was only halfway through the dinner that Kakuzu announced that the special that they were eating was-

Shark fin soup.

Kisame promptly burst into tears.

Kakuzu, of course, whipped out the video camera.

* * *

**11 November**

Hidan found out that his scythe had been stolen.

He immediately went after Kakuzu.

Kakuzu pointed to Pein, who was using the scythe to pedicure his toenails.

Hidan showed his apparent lack of respect as he raised a jar and aimed it at Leader-sama's head.

I think that was deliberate…

I almost forgot.

Terms and conditions apply. I am not liable for any harms that come with you injuring our leader, Kakuzu.

**-Sasori**

* * *

**12 November**

Kakuzu has unearthed the impossible:

I will not mention it.

Kakuzu, how did you manage to get into Konan's underwear drawer?

**-Deidara**

I bribed Tobi with lollipops.

#**Angel to God**

#**Soppy Love Letter**

**-Kakuzu**

* * *

** 13 November**

Tobi poked Deidara again. Which is not a rare occurrence really.

However, what got Deidara angry was that when he launched his clay spiders at Tobi, Tobi squealed in joy and begin to mould the _colored_ clay into unicorns.

… Play-dough?

**-Itachi**

Yup.

**#Bomber crying over spoilt clay**

**#Lollipop man playing and squealing**

**-Kakuzu**

* * *

** 14 November**

Today Deidara kept ranting about how art is ephemeral. For the last time:

ART IS ETERNAL.

I do not get his opinion. What is the point of having art that nobody can enjoy? However, I will prove my point.

With this poison.

Deidara, get ready to experience _hell._

In the form of food poisoning.

… Why aren't you dying, brat?

**-Sasori**

Thank you danna for relieving my sore throat un!

**-A very thankful Deidara**

WHAT?!

**-Sasori**

…Maple syrup.

**-Itachi**

Kakuzu… We have had enough.

**-Sasori**

Kakuzu:

I am not liable for any lost *coughburnedcough* porn books.

**-Your leader, Pein **

Kakuzu:

I am not liable for **any missing hearts…**

**-Your tree-hugging hippy, Zetsu**

I am not liable for loss of any of your fucking limbs, you motherfucking bastard!

**-Your sexy Jashinist, Hidan**

Kakuzu:

I am not liable for any lost manhoods.

**-Your mistress of paper, Konan**

Kakuzu:

I am not liable for any chakra depletion and mortal injury.

**-Your even sexier shark boy, Kisame**

Kakuzu:

I am not liable for any mental scars, fatal brain damage and memory loss.

**-The only person with sharingan in this base, Itachi**

Kakuzu:

I am not liable for any property damaged by my art un!

**-Your terrorist bomber, Deidara**

Kakuzu:

I am not liable for any:

-poisoning;

-accidental death;

-impaling;

-decapitation;

-torturing;

-mental or physical damage;

-etc;etc

That come…

With this.

**-Your ultimate doom, Akasuna no Sasori**

Uh oh.

**-Kakuz-**


	3. I, Akasuna no Sasori:

**15 November**

After _one week_, I have gotten a few birthday presents.

There was a book on scorpions from Konan, a metal detector from Leader-sama, a gigantic fish tank from Kisame, wood polish from Itachi, a voucher on paintbrushes from Kakuzu, a potted cactus from Zetsu, a razor-sharp metal blade from Hidan, a tube of useless glitter from Tobi, a lace embroidery set from Orochimaru, and a suspicious box from Deidara that I had Itachi defuse with chidori until it was unwrapped to show a set of hair products.

Doesn't that brat know that I am an effing puppet?

* * *

**16 November **

However, there were a few different packages on the doorstep today.

Since they didn't blow up, issue poisonous gas, emit rainbows, Leader-sama deemed them safe to open.

They were addressed 'To Tobi as payback for sending the unicorn our way'.

They should have been grateful. The unicorn excreted multicolored paint as feces. Kakuzu would tell them.

* * *

**17 November**

The mysterious presents turned out to be little devices with screens and buttons on its side.

There were also devices roughly the length of our arms with a screen and keyboard on them.

They also came in color. Konan's light blue, Itachi's dark blue, Kisame's gray, Leader-sama's orange, Zetsu's light green, Kakuzu's dark green, Deidara a yellow one, Hidan's Goth black, Tobi's rainbow-colored and mine red.

I wonder what they do.

* * *

**18 November**

Apparently, these devices are not useless after all.

They can play music and access something called the Internet, which I am currently blogging on.

Deidara is listening to rock music while Itachi is enjoying classical music on his 'iPod'. These gadgets allow us to listen to different kinds of music.

I am appreciating the convenience of blogging.

* * *

**19 November**

I will be going out on a mission to kill the person who sang the 60s' song 'A Puppet on A String'. I will be leaving this diary in the hands of Zetsu, whom I think will be very good at hiding this diary since he has a whole greenhouse of plants.

I, Akasuna no Sasori, hereby pledge never to cut down any trees to make any wood puppets.

I, Akasuna no Sasori, hereby declare that art is a bang.

I, Akasuna no Sasori, hereby declare never to spend any money.

I, Akasuna no Sasori, hereby pledge never to waste any precious paper for my useless drawings that I always throw away.

I, Akasuna no Sasori, hereby promise to fucking respect Jashin-sama!

I, Akasuna no Sasori, hereby swear to never eat or catch or kill or maim any seafood.

I, Akasuna no Sasori, hereby swear to never let anybody touch the dango of Uchiha Itachi.

* * *

**20 November**

I, Akasuna no Sasori, hereby swear that ART IS A BANG!

I, Akasuna no Sasori, hereby want to worship Mr. Sparkles and bring him rainbows and cookies and sparkles and dango and candy an-

I, Akasuna no Sasori, hereby pledge never to leave my diary in the hands of these bimbos again.

* * *

**21 November**

Bimbos indeed.

After having my diary covered with numerous doodles of unicorns, rainbows, sharks, decapitated humans, and white snakes, I have learnt that leaving it with Zetsu, and thus in the middle of a Rafflesia, is not a good way of hiding a _journal_.

This is getting on my nerves.

I am going to the computer, which is most fittingly of a red color.

* * *

**KK! Quiz time!**

**1)Guess: What is the favorite genre of music that Sasori likes? Tell me why and you get a free review! Of course, nothing more that T-rated... :P**

**2)Listen: What modern-day song do you think is Sasori's theme song? Why? You get a free one-shot :D**

**Now.**

**Time to hack this com. **

**Sasori's com.**


End file.
